https://michael-simons.eu/p/looking-forward-by-looking-back.html

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177<header id="title-block-header">
178<h1 class="title">Looking forward by looking back</h1>
179<p class="author">Michael Simons</p>
180<p class="date">2026-05-02</p>
181</header>
182<p>As the year 2025 comes to an end, I would usually dig into some
183statistics and see what I did this year. For example, my self-hosted <a
184href="https://charts.michael-simons.eu">scrobbles</a> tell me that I
185listened to <strong>8745 tracks</strong> in 2025 for a total duration of
186more than <strong>24 days</strong> as of writing. In a similar mood my
187<a href="https://biking.michael-simons.eu">sport page</a> respectively
188the underlying system tells wild sport stats (a total moving distance
189over <strong>10000km</strong>). I am also a lucky bastard with a family
190that even appreciates me telling about the stuff <a
191href="https://codeberg.org/michael-simons/goodreads">I read this
192year</a>: <strong>41 books</strong> so far. My highlights in that regard

193have been</p>
194<ul>
195<li>DOOM Guy: Life In First Person by John Romero</li>
196<li>Become an Effective Software Engineering Manager – How to Be the
197Leader Your Development Team Needs by James Stanier</li>
198<li>The Iron Heel by Jack London</li>
199<li>Feeding the Machine. Hinter den Kulissen der KI-Imperien by James
200Muldoon, Mark Graham &amp; Callum Cant</li>
201</ul>
202<p>But really, all those stats are mostly masturbation, at least the
203sports stuff, which is why I stopped posting them too often to social
204media. The people who are into this know where to find and follow me for
205that content, but I neither want to create pressure on somebody else
206just because I am an idiot who goes outside every day nor do I want to
207have the pressure myself by defining me only through running or
208whatever.</p>
209<p>And this brings me to a post I read yesterday: <a
210href="https://my-notes.dragas.net/2025/12/19/what-if-i-were-twenty-again-thoughts-on-my-46th-birthday/">“What
211If I Were Twenty Again? Thoughts on My 46th Birthday”</a> by <a
212href="https://mastodon.bsd.cafe/@stefano">Stefano Marinelli</a>. Stefano
213is born in 1979, just a bit younger than I, and his thoughts resonates a
214lot with my feelings. Good for me, I read his piece while sitting in a
215bus going for a nice, long run and I could ruminate over my own progress
216the last years long enough.</p>
217<p>The question really is: “What if I were twenty again in 1999?” or
218“What if I were twenty again in 2026?”? The answers to both are
219different.</p>
220<h2 id="what-if-i-were-twenty-again-in-2026">What if I were twenty again
221in 2026?</h2>
222<p>Basically, I think I would be screwed. I was a weird, angry kid with
223few friends. Not your stereotypic nerd doing their first programming at
224the age of 10 or something, but often still smarter than good for me
225and—sorry for sounding like an idiot—intelligent enough that I stood out
226in the working class family I came from. School was never a problem and
227I used to rub it into peoples faces, especially the ones who always
228thought “no, not that guy from that background in the area of town”.</p>
229<p>I literally could see me being even angrier on the internet that I am
230today. Pushing away the people who did—and still have genuine—interest
231in me even more than I did back in 1999, drowning myself in the plethora
232of channels available. So much is right there at the tap of a finger,
233you even have problems to choose the particular emptiness machine you
234want to feed from. In the end, chances are high that I would fell for an
235algorithm and dig myself into a whole.</p>
236<p>And if not, what then? Starting a career in computer science / math
237like I did back 26 years? While I do honestly think that this is still a
238good idea, despite our industry being in a dark valley (I wrote about
239that <a
240href="https://michael-simons.eu/p/kann-ki-verschlafen-werden.html">here</a>
241in German, in case you are interested), I would most likely not thinking
242that with the limited knowledge and self-assurance of a twenty-year-old.
243I would feel more lost today than I know that I felt in 1999.</p>
244<p>Self-assurance, confidence and the feeling of belonging brings me
245back to 1999 and the other part of the question: What if I were twenty
246again in 1999?</p>
247<h2 id="what-if-i-were-twenty-again-in-1999">What if I were twenty again
248in 1999?</h2>
249<p>I seriously <strong>never</strong> entertained the thought of “oh
250god, I just wish to change the past” once. The past is what me got here,
251and I am happy where I am. I used to drink quite a bit between 16 and
25220-something, but never that much that it become a really terrible
253habit. Never smoked, just tried some weed a couple of times, that’s
254about that. No need to change. What would I do different is not trying
255to push people away. I realised late, but not to late, that the angry,
256isolated dude is not a great goal to have. No-one is superior in
257isolation and in their doing. No-one exists in isolation, it’s giving
258and taking, learning and understanding.</p>
259<p>Everytime I see another guy (and yes, it’s mostly guys in those
260cases) roughly me age like the dude who made Ruby on Rails prominent,
261the Zuckerbergs, Thiels and Musks of this world, I can feel their
262frustration with live, the anger for not being properly admired when
263they were younger. Look how despite their unimaginable wealth they are
264still deeply unhappy, insecure and are still retaliating against
265basically the whole world, it’s sickening. I think that’s what happens
266when you never take a pause, challenge your own standpoint and stick in
267that “angry kid mentality”.</p>
268<p>It would be something if I could make my younger self realise the
269above earlier. And honestly, much more important than for example
270stopping booze and getting into sports prior to my forties (although, I
271have to say I kinda envy my 16-year-old boy for the incredible gains
272over a year with which I cannot compete the slightest). Alas, I think I
273managed just in time. Not alone though… There’s good reason my back-then
274girlfriend and now wife and I are still together.</p>
275<p>Aim for belonging. Find your own ability that gives you confidence.
276Look for people that challenge and support you, not for the yes-men.</p>
277<p>The rest? 1999 was kinda cool, but not overwhelming. I really did not
278care much about computers as for “programming stuff”. I enjoyed a bit of
279the early internet in Germany, the first Mp3 hype, stuff like that.
280Early mobile phones, a cheap car. Do I want to have that back? No. It’s
281a great memory, but there’s room for new memories still in my head. I
282try not to dig into nostalgia.</p>
283<h2 id="what-about-2026">What about 2026?</h2>
284<p>On that, I have to quote one of my favorite bands, <a
285href="https://www.antilopengang.de">Antilopen Gang</a></p>
286<blockquote>
287<p>An dem Tag, an dem ich starb, hielt leider keiner ‘ne Rede<br> Keiner
288wusste, wer ich war, ich war nie greifbar gewesen<br> Manche war’n
289schadenfroh, im Radio lief idiotischer Mist<br> Lass die andern sich
290verändern und bleib so, wie du bist<br> So wie du bist, ich wollt
291niemals bleiben, wer und wie ich war<br> Denn ich hab’ mich selbst
292verraten, solange mein Herz schlug und ich atmete<br> Das Sein bestimmt
293die Bewusstlosigkeit<br> In mein’n lustigsten Zeiten wusst ich nicht
294weiter<br> Ich wollte wegrenn’n, wenn es zu gemütlich war<br> Fühlte
295mich unter Küchenpsychologen wie ein Psychopath<br> Eure scheiß
296Tradition und eure scheiß Beständigkeit<br> Heißt, dass ihr
297häng’ngeblieben seid<br></p>
298<p>–<cite>Antilopen Gang—Nichts für immer</cite></p>
299</blockquote>
300<p>In general, I think we are heading into rough times. Global and
301national fascists and right-wing governments are on the rise. The news
302are downplaying climate change until at some point, even the global west
303cannot ignore or deal with the fugitives on our doorsteps anymore by
304substitute-wars anymore. Until then, we will see more and more beatings
305from above on the elderly, the sick, the poor, and kids, beating the
306working class into obedience. And yes, I am in that paragraph. We do
307earn well, but still, we cannot just stop working and continue living as
308before, and we are dependently employed, hence working class.</p>
309<p>Changes started to appear in my job over the last year. Last month, I
310moved teams and by a good chance I won’t have the luxury anymore to
311retreat to just build good stuff anymore, but being somewhat of a
312leader. This is where the experience of a 46-year-old really helps my
313inner twenty-something. I know I can and did change and adapt so many
314times in these years. From being “a lone wolf” to becoming a partner,
315husband, father; from being overweight to marathoner; testing resilience
316during a global pandemic, moving from a developer, to architect, to
317opensource maintainer to… something new.</p>
318<p>Change is not always good, I wouldn’t go as far to say that. But it
319always contains chances, and I am looking forward to take them. I am
320glad not being twenty anymore. My hopes are that I can build on the
321resilience I gained over the last years, especially the last 5 or so,
322for the times ahead. Last but not least, I am father of two kids and
323given the last years, it will be like the blink of an eye until I seem
324them turning twenty. I am grateful to learn every day from them.</p>
325<p>With that, I wish all of you readers all the best for 2026. Stay
326human, stay humble. Stay true to yourself by embracing change.</p>
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