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Neil Ward" title="LOU-2-1800x1200-Tall" srcset="https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-4.jpg 1920w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-4-1280x853.jpg 1280w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-4-980x653.jpg 980w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-4-480x320.jpg 480w" sizes="(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) and (max-width: 980px) 980px, (min-width: 981px) and (max-width: 1280px) 1280px, (min-width: 1281px) 1920px, 100vw" class="wp-image-24726" /></span> 204 </div> 205 </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_2 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> 206 207 208 209 210 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_post_title et_pb_post_title_0 et_pb_bg_layout_light et_pb_text_align_left" > 211 212 213 214 215 216 <div class="et_pb_title_container"> 217 <p class="et_pb_title_meta_container"><span class="published">Aug 2, 2023</span> | <a href="https://queerspacemagazine.com/category/queer-arts/" rel="category tag">Queer Arts</a>, <a href="https://queerspacemagazine.com/category/queer-life/" rel="category tag">Queer Life</a>, <a href="https://queerspacemagazine.com/category/queer-voices/" rel="category tag">Queer Voices</a></p> 218 </div> 219 220 </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_post_title et_pb_post_title_1 et_pb_bg_layout_light et_pb_text_align_left" > 221 222 223 224 225 226 <div class="et_pb_title_container"> 227 <h2 class="entry-title">Why Seeing Queer Joy Can Create Complicated Feelings For Queer People</h2> 228 </div> 229 230 </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_blurb et_pb_blurb_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_blurb_position_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 231 232 233 234 235 <div class="et_pb_blurb_content"> 236 <div class="et_pb_main_blurb_image"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap et_pb_only_image_mode_wrap"><img decoding="async" src="https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/avatar_user_120_1691693107-96x96.jpg" alt="" class="et-waypoint et_pb_animation_top et_pb_animation_top_tablet et_pb_animation_top_phone" /></span></div> 237 <div class="et_pb_blurb_container"> 238 <h4 class="et_pb_module_header"><span>By <a href="https://queerspacemagazine.com/author/liamcasey/" target="_self">Liam Casey</a></span></h4> 239 240 </div> 241 </div> 242 </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 243 244 245 246 247 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>One of the most popular shows on Netflix right now is <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10638036/">Heartstopper</a>, which follows UK schoolboys Charlie (Joe Locke) and Nick (Kit Connor) as their friendship grows into something more.</p> 248<p>Based on Alice Osemanâs graphic novel series of the same name, Heartstopper has been widely (and accurately) hailed as â<a href="https://www.smh.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/netflix-s-heartstopper-is-the-warm-hug-we-all-need-right-now-20220427-p5agnf.html">a warm hug</a>.â</p> 249<p>At the same time, social media has been flooded with <a href="https://twitter.com/Tennis_Jon/status/1527153581098401792">posts from LGBTIQ people who have experienced something else when watching the show</a>: anger, grief, and sadness as they compared the show to their own relatively painful adolescence.</p> 250<p>Queer and Trans people often have high school experiences marked by prejudice and discrimination, with <a href="https://www.latrobe.edu.au/arcshs/publications/writing-themselves-in-publications/writing-themselves-in-4">60% of young Queer and Trans people feeling unsafe or uncomfortable at school</a> due to their sexual or gender identity.</p> 251<p>These experiences can provide a surprisingly enduring internal blueprint: during 2017âs marriage equality postal survey, for example, many Queer and Trans people said that the intense scrutiny and stigma felt like <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-76741-001">âbeing back in high school</a>.â</p> 252<figure></figure></div> 253 </div> 254 </div> 255 256 257 258 259 </div> 260 261 262 </div><div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_1 et_section_regular" > 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_1"> 270 <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_2 et_pb_column_2 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> 271 272 273 274 275 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_justified et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 276 277 278 279 280 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>Researchers call this phenomenon <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2072932/">minority stress</a>. The cumulative negative effects of these threatening social conditions can ultimately lead to isolation, depression, and anxiety.</p> 281<p>
281As a clinical psychologist working in Queer and Trans mental health, Heartstopper has come up frequently in counseling sessions. The same pain is being described by people approaching middle age and those still in their teens. The show seems to plant a seed that makes them wonder how life might have played out if their high school experience was supportive rather than frightening.</p> 282<p>What can those of us who feel pain in the face of this heartwarming depiction of queer joy do to navigate these difficult thoughts and feelings? Psychological research has a few suggestions.</p> 283<h2>Embrace the duality</h2> 284<p>Pioneering clinical psychologist Marsha Linehan emphasized the importance of <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.2.022305.095229">âdialecticsâ</a>, or the ability to hold the tension between two seemingly opposing things. As humans, we tend to judge our experience as good or bad, black or white. We say things like âI never do anything rightâ when the truth is that sometimes we fail and sometimes we succeed.</p> 285<p>The experience of watching Heartstopper and feeling both joy for the characters and sadness for yourself is also a dialectic. Donât fall into the trap of thinking the sadness cancels out the joy: notice and allow everything that youâre feeling.</p></div> 286 </div> 287 </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_2 et_pb_column_3 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> 288 289 290 291 292 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_2 et_pb_text_align_justified et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 293 294 295 296 297 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2>Donât run from it</h2> 298<p>As humans, weâve evolved to avoid suffering. However, we have a habit of doing this in ways that <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32437174/">minimize short-term pain, while maximizing long-term problems</a>. This can be especially challenging for Queer and Trans people, who often had to <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2957017/">push down or avoid their feelings</a> to navigate adolescence.</p> 299<p>Iâve spoken to people whoâve tried to cope with the pain thrown up by Heartstopper in counterproductive ways. Trying to avoid their sadness that they donât have a Nick to their Charlie, theyâve found themselves chasing unavailable partners, pouring an extra glass of wine, or pursuing casual sex and feeling even more alone. While thereâs nothing wrong with wine or casual sex, they often mask problems rather than offering solutions.</p> 300<h2>Take meaningful action</h2> 301<p>If it isnât always helpful to run from our pain, what are we supposed to do with it? Thereâs useful information in painful feelings. As influential clinical psychologist Steven C Hayes puts it, <a href="https://stevenchayes.com/ted-talk-psychological-flexibility/">âwe hurt where we careâ</a>. The site of our greatest pain is the site of our greatest purpose, and we can use it to guide actions that matter deeply to us.</p> 302<p>Examine what youâve responded to most strongly in Heartstopper. While the chance of a queer high school romance has passed for many of us, we can still make choices that move us toward the life we want today. Research consistently shows that <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5656566/">connecting with other Queer and Trans people increases resilience</a>, but there are lots of other things Heartstopper could inspire you to do: prioritize your friendships (like Tao), make new queer connections (like Elle), be honest with those closest to you (like Nick), or try new things (like Charlie).</p></div> 303 </div> 304 </div> 305 306 307 308 309 </div> 310 311 312 </div><div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_2 et_section_regular" > 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_2"> 320 <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_4 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> 321 322 323 324 325 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_1"> 326 327 328 329 330 <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1920" height="1280" src="https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-2.jpg" alt="Kit Connor and Joe Lock in a scene from Heartstopper on Netflix" title="Heartstopper" srcset="https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-2.jpg 1920w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-2-1280x853.jpg 1280w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-2-980x653.jpg 980w, https://queerspacemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/hrtstppr-2-480x320.jpg 480w" sizes="(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) and (max-width: 980px) 980px, (min-width: 981px) and (max-width: 1280px) 1280px, (min-width: 1281px) 1920px, 100vw" class="wp-image-24733" /></span> 331 </div> 332 </div> 333 334 335 336 337 </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_3"> 338 <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_2 et_pb_column_5 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> 339 340 341 342 343 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_3 et_pb_text_align_justified et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 344 345 346 347 348 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2>Be kind to yourself</h2> 349<p>This stuff hurts. Life can be hard and full of disappointments. We often respond to these difficult points by pushing harder and telling ourselves to âget it together.â</p> 350<p>Pause and be kind to yourself â be the Nick to your Charlie. Give yourself a hug, make yourself a cup of tea, speak encouragingly rather than critically to yourself. It sometimes helps to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/19359705.2020.1713276">imagine what you would say to a friend or another Queer or Trans person</a> facing similar challenges. <a href="https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/">Guided meditations</a> can also be helpful here.</p></div> 351 </div> 352 </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_2 et_pb_column_6 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> 353 354 355 356 357 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_4 et_pb_text_align_justified et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 358 359 360 361 362 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2>Challenge your assumptions</h2> 363<p>The human mind takes all kinds of cognitive shortcuts: a common one is âthe mental filter,â in which we filter out information that doesnât support our assumptions.</p> 364<p>If you find yourself comparing yourself to Charlie and Nickâs picture-perfect romance, try to notice what youâre filtering out. Both characters â particularly Charlie â experience bullying and self-doubt. (Readers of the books know that Charlie has even darker days ahead of him.)</p> 365<p>Also notice if thereâs anything positive from your own experience that youâre filtering out: a good friend, a supportive teacher, or a welcoming sport or hobby group.</p> 366<p>Ultimately, Heartstopper is <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/why-heartstopper-makes-me-wish-id-had-my-own-gay-teen-romance/101040370">âfantasy fiction</a>.â Donât use that fantasy as the metric by which you judge your reality.</p></div> 367 </div> 368 </div> 369 370 371 372 373 </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_4"> 374 <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_7 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> 375 376 377 378 379 <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_5 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> 380 381 382 383 384 <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><em>This story was originally published by <a href="https://theconversation.com/heartstopper-depicts-queer-joy-heres-why-that-can-bring-about-complicated-feelings-for-those-in-the-lgbtiq-community-183729" target="_blank" rel="noopener">
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